In 1967, Aretha Franklin released her signature song, an instant hit, “Respect”. A

strong, confident woman, the singer demands that she be treated with dignity and consideration. This song crossed the lines of race, culture and economics to become fifth in the Rolling Stone’s 500 Greatest Songs of All Time list in 2004.

The song speaks to a universal need in the human psyche – we all need to know that others have at least some measure of admiration for us that is elicited by our abilities, qualities or achievements (definition from the Google Dictionary).

A number of elders have expressed to me that they are uncomfortable and offended by the disrespectful behaviors of the younger generations. They wish that the next generations would listen, behave properly and understand life differently.

I heard from an elder that he gave a lump sum of money to each of his grandchildren as an inheritance and a way for them to start their adult life. Most of them frittered it away on cars and trips. He was offended and saddened. He felt his hard work to earn the money was disrespected by their choices. He couldn’t imagine making those same wasteful choices when he was their age.

Another elder told me that he wrote his lifestory down and sent it to all of his grandchildren to read. None of them thanked him or even mentioned that they received it. He was hurt, offended and felt disrespected. He couldn’t imagine that they didn’t care about his story. He wished he could find a way to connect.

On the other hand, I watched as a younger person sat in shock listening to a Christian elder tell a story that was riddled with racism. The young person was offended and embarrassed that the elder could hold such views about another human being and still be a leader in the church. She couldn’t imagine ever believing that way about another human being.

Feeling disrespect can lead to divisions, hurt, grudges and estranged relationships. How can we build bridges when we feel rejected, embarrassed and confused by these types of behaviors?

Here are a few tips that I hope will help young and old to respect and understand each other:

1. Ask what is motivating the other person – what is their intention? 

 

Ask God to show you the motivations of the person that you feel is disrespectful. Story upon story in the Bible teaches us that God is more concerned with the motivation of the heart than the behaviors of an individual. Is this person TRYING to be disrespectful or is this a situation where we share different values about the behavior?

2. Understand that disrespectful behaviors in your generation aren’t always understood to be disrespectful in the next generations.

If the worship leader at church is barefoot on the stage, people from the older generation may find themselves distracted by this disrespectful gesture. In the younger generation this gesture may have NO meaning, or, quite possibly be an indicator of something GOOD – a person who is unencumbered, free and ready to connect openly with God. Is this a cultural difference that isn’t really a reflection of a person’s heart?

3. Be willing to change your ideas. If you find out that another generation is deeply offended by a style of clothing, bare feet or hats in church… why not stop offending them? On the flip side, if you find out that bare feet indicates an open heart and worshipful spirit… why not stop being offended? This is the unity that God is calling for in His church.

4. Understand the pressures and challenges of the other generation 

 

When you listen to each other’s stories, you will hear that each generation is facing incredible pressures. Today’s youth is experiencing the pressure of overwhelming number of choices and requirements demanded in order to succeed. The elder generation faced a very real enemy in their youth during a massive war and may require reconciliation to break through racism. Nothing can bridge understanding more effectively than listening with an open heart.

5.  Ask yourself, am I feeling disrespected because I’m embarrassed in front of my peers? This is a searching question to ask and requires courage. Embarrassment only ever happens in a community of people. Alone, we can take the heat of what is happening – it’s when we envision our friends’ reaction to our descendant’s behavior that we can be motivated to rebuke and reject someone who doesn’t measure up.

 

6. Evaluate if the behavior is actually disrespectful. REAL disrespect is an attitude toward another that intends belittles and degrades. REAL disrespectful behavior can lead to violence and abuse. It can be any of the following: public humiliation, criticizing, ridiculing, shouting, degrading another person, sarcasm toward another, swearing, dismissive or negative gesturing, talking over people, refusing to speak to another person, discounting another’s feelings or thoughts. If you are being disrespected by another person in any of these ways, find someone you can trust and share what is happening.

7. Treat others with space and grace. 

 

Sometimes, people don’t live up to our expectations. Sometimes, they do or say things that we wish they wouldn’t have said or done. Sometimes they wear their clothes too tight or wear too much makeup or look at their cell phone during a meal or during church. Sometimes, they’ll read our lifestory long after we are gone and wish that they had cared when we were still living. Decide to believe in the other person – that, as God has done for you, He will speak to their heart. Believe that God has called them to do good works that He has prepared in advance for them. Believe that He has the same loving and tender care toward them that He has exhibited toward you when you stumbled or fell. Find space for shortcomings, find grace to speak kindly in love.

8. Honor people by telling them that you respect them. 

 

Make a plan to tell your loved ones that you have a deep admiration for them – for their abilities or their qualities or their achievements. Make a list of the people you love and a list of what you admire in them. Remember, you don’t have to admire everything to admire something. Just as your soul longs for affirmation (respect), so do the souls of the people who are in your circle of influence. Don’t withhold your blessing. Say it out loud.