Are you lonesome tonight? I sure am…

My husband is a pastor and he’s been out of town for a sabbatical. It has been really lonely these last few weeks when he has not been accessible to talk over the internet. I hesitate to write about this because many who read this column suffer from loneliness through circumstances that will never revert back to “how it was”. In a few weeks, my husband will be back at home and my feelings of loneliness will subside. Writing about this is a bit like telling someone who suffers from chronic pain that I bumped my arm and it hurt me.

Nonetheless, it is through this time of loneliness that I have wondered about how others have experienced loneliness. On a lonely night, I turned to my Facebook friends and asked for their insights and stories. A surge of people shared their thoughts. Here’s what I heard:

1. Loneliness is common.
The responses came fast and furious. It was easy for people to find examples of times in their lives that were lonely. It wasn’t quite as easy to describe loneliness. We may not be able to describe the feeling exactly, but we sure know when we are feeling it. Loneliness is common, but it’s also surprising. One friend reminded me that losing a spouse means losing your best friend and most of your social invitations. It’s a double dose of loneliness. Another shared how unexpected it was to have friends stop visiting when her chronic pain changed her mobility. She didn’t expect to be forgotten so easily.

2. Loneliness is painful.
Loneliness is emotional distress that can lead to depression and hopelessness. Even in small doses loneliness is tied to feeling like you don’t belong, aren’t valued and aren’t understood. Many believe that it can bring about something good, but nobody enjoyed the path of loneliness.

3. Loneliness isn’t about being alone.
Many people talked about loneliness happening in a crowd, at church or even in a marriage. Being alone does not guarantee loneliness and being with people doesn’t guarantee that you will avoid loneliness. Loneliness is more about belonging, being accepted and being understood.

4. Loneliness has a cause.
One friend suggested that our climate is a reason that we have so many lonely people. We live in a cold or rainy climate and we stay indoors for much of our time. It is much harder to meet and befriend people behind a closed door than it is to meet people in a warm country where people are more accessible.

Another suggested that technology stops us from feeling alone and doesn’t give us the opportunity to learn this human emotion in small doses. When we face loneliness in a big dose we aren’t prepared to manage the flood of emotion.

The opposite thought was also written – technology is the solution to loneliness – connecting with loved ones across the miles is a meaningful method to combatting loneliness.

All in all, everyone acknowledged that loneliness is caused by feeling like we don’t belong, that we don’t matter or that we aren’t understood. This can happen in a group or when we are all by ourselves.

5. Loneliness has some emotional partners.
Loneliness usually comes with other emotions to make the experience even more painful. Fear can be a partner of loneliness. It asks us to second-guess our like-ability and our value to others. It keeps us from going out or inviting others in.

Hopelessness is another partner of loneliness. It tells us that we are powerless to change the situation – and that it will never be okay.

All of this can lead to depression and despair. There are remedies for loneliness and discovering a path out of loneliness can relieve our feelings of anxiety, hopelessness or depression.

6. Loneliness has a cure.
The cure is simple, but it’s not easy. Loneliness finds relief when we find a group where we belong and spend time with people who appreciate us and care about us. There are small steps that we can take in this direction. The first step is to “get out”. When we wonder whether or not we should go to an event (church, family gathering, or recreational activity) choose “yes”. This gets more and more difficult as mobility changes in the senior years. Nonetheless, say “yes” more often than “no”. If the group you have joined doesn’t understand what it’s like to live through your situation, consider joining a different group. For many people, a life change has triggered your loneliness. Find a group that supports people who are experiencing that same life-change; grief, caregiving or dementia. Don’t be too proud to take all the help you can get.

The second step is to “make a plan”. This plan may be simple, but it’s the intention to do something about your loneliness. What can you do in the next few days that will get you into the company of other people? Sometimes, it helps just to get out of your home and into a crowd.

Ideas that could be part of your plan:

• Take a taxi to church even if you hate paying that much money for a ride.
• Hire a companion to help you with shopping and cooking.
• Indulge in a hobby – especially one like quilting that can be done by joining a “club”.
• Hire someone to teach you to use Facebook or Skype to connect with your loved ones.
• Tour and move into an independent living apartment so that you can share at least one meal a day with others.
• Find a group that will support you in your life-change.

The third step is to “initiate”. When we are lonely, we look to others to show us that they care. We hope that they will phone, visit, invite or include. The very difficult anecdote to loneliness – and one that we hate to hear is this… You need to be the one who initiates, phones, visits, invites and includes. This can take a lot of energy, but it can generate a lot of joy. If you are living in a senior retirement community, here are some ways you can initiate:

• Ask another senior over for afternoon tea.
• Join the pastoral care visitation team and visit other seniors.
• Invite someone to sit at your table for Bible Study, a birthday party or a bus trip.
• Sit at the front entrance and operate the automatic door for people who are leaving.
• Invite several people to work on a puzzle with you.
• Enjoy your favorite TV series in the lounge instead of by yourself in your apartment.
• Ask your caregiver about their day, their family and their life story.
• Phone your children – ask them about their day, their life, their work.
• Phone your grandchildren to see how they are doing.
• Ask someone if they would like to receive a hug.

7. Solitude is a spiritual cure for loneliness.
In his book, “Your God is Too Safe”, Mark Buchanan shared the idea that our culture with all of its busy places can make us feel all alone. Technology can add to that alone feeling. Facebook and cell phones can occupy our time and trick us into believing that everyone else is having a good time while we are having a struggle. Solitude is when we take our alone time and invite God to enter into it with us. We read His words in the Bible, we tell Him our thoughts, feelings and fears… we create a space where “the one who knows us and loves always, in all ways, the one who understands us – that one comes to meet us”.

There are people who wrote to me – some in private messages – who shared the incredible path by which their loneliness has been transformed into solitude. For most, there was a life event that was out of their control; an accident, a death, a newborn baby… and through that life event, they were forced into aloneness. With loneliness came disappointment, anger and fear. Eventually, as God walked beside them, they found a new way – a way of forgiveness, contentment… and even JOY.

8. Loneliness is motivating.
Painful experiences can be the very thing that gives us passion. People who shared their story of disappointment in lost friendships commit themselves to loyal, enduring friendships. Those who have been widowed and re-married find a daily gratitude in a spouse being with them each day. Some who suffer from loneliness have found themselves crying out to God for His presence and they have found a personal and meaningful solitude in their aloneness.

For me, the path I chose was to ask my Facebook friends to talk with me about a topic that we all experience. I took the initiative and I found community in knowing that I’m not alone in my loneliness. Thank you to everyone who shared their stories and insights.

In addition, I’ve ramped up the number of hugs I give and receive each day. I know that it means a lot to seniors to receive a hug… but, hey, it means a lot to me, too. I am asking more and more seniors if they would like a hug. I haven’t been turned down, yet. I want to give a special “thank you” to all the seniors who have opened their arms to me these past few weeks and given me a squeeze. It’s like receiving a dose of anti-loneliness medicine – one hug at a time. I matter to you. You like me. I belong. Thank you.